he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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