My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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