I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
