Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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