a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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