Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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