I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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