I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
