How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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