i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
