I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
