Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
