i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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