Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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