You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
