I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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