So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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