The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
