You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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