so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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