Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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