my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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