also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
