i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
