Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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