if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
