Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
