I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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