I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
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Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
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It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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