Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
