I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
