Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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