my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Alive.
So much puke
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
