We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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