Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
now i know why i became what i already was.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
