At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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