Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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