There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
