just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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