Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she peed on how many people?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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