After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
