last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
