My girlfriend figured out who you are.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
