Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
