On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
