I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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