she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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