I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
