I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
