She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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