I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
