Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
