i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
