I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
