I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
