Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
