Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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