and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
