Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
